At ten, I began using food as my comfort and my best friend. I spent 15 years in the up and down yo-yo dieting spiral. My first diet was at 12, when I began restricting food. As I lost weight, people commented, I liked the attention it kept me going. My next diet was TOPS, a diet club with my mom, I wasn’t successful with it.
In high school, I was excited to do Weight Watchers with a friend both of us hoping to lose the weight and our misery.
My ongoing preoccupation was my body, my weight, and the next diet. College was the freshman15 plus 10. I was a Weight Watchers retread now with a lot of shame for being back and being far from my “goal weight.”
The remaining college years I continued the off again on again cycle.
I binged, and restrict my eating,exercising to compensate for the calories. My early 20’s were carbs, sugar, misery, over exercising, and over and under eating. The rise of aerobics gave way to an additional outlet with additional “gym workouts.”
One day I found myself heading to my parents’ house to investigate what was in their cabinets, odd since, I 26 years old living in my own apartment, with a well paying sales job. While eating at my parents house alone, a thought occurred to me, “this isn’t normal, I don’t live here anymore. What am I doing? I need help to stop!.”
Somewhere inside me I knew food was “protecting me” and keeping me alone. No one really knew me; I lived a secret life. I had recently met a man with the possibility of a serious relationship and realized; my eating is going to f** this up, before it even starts.
That day, in my parents kitchen, I reached out and called for help.
Making the call and stepping outside of what I knew brought me the promise of something very different than I’d ever known. I was walking away from who I’d been and everything I knew about myself: scary and exciting.
I had used food for most of my life! It was my happiness, my pain, my worries, and my fears. It was my confidant. Changing the relationship felt like breaking up with my best friend. Not easy, but so much better than the pain and hell of being in my food misery! The decision to walk away from food as I knew it ~ changed my life forever.
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