Be Yourself, Who Else Is Better Qualified? Sage advice, except when things aren’t working and you want to quit because it feels like “you should” be different and less like you and more like someone who has it more together.
But is that true?
Ever noticed how mean you can be, to you?
As A Course In Miracles says about the voice of the ego (the mean voice in your head), “it’s suspicious at best, and viscous at worst”.
And, that thinking will undermine your success. It tells you: “you should be further along”, “why haven’t you figured this out yet”, “there must be something wrong that it’s taking so long”, “small progress, that’s not good enough, so might as well quit”, and a favorite of mine, “if you haven’t figured it out by now, you probably won’t”.
And this thinking (if you listen to it) undermines your success stops your growth, and guarantees you won’t get to where you want to go.
And listen to this from the Harvard Business Review: The average ratio for the highest-performing teams was 5.6 (that is, nearly six positive comments for every negative one). The medium-performance teams averaged 1.9 (almost twice as many positive comments than negative ones.) But the average for the low-performing teams, at 0.36 to 1, was almost three negative comments for every positive one.
And John Gottman, a researcher, studied positive and negative relationships among 700 married couples believed that negative experiences (words and emotions) needed to be balanced with positive experiences in a relationship in order for the relationship to be successful. He thought that there was a ratio of positive and negative experiences to balance or cancel the negative. Gottman used a 5:1 ratio, 5 positives to every 1 negative in his studies.
These thoughts are lead by fear but show up in many forms.
To move beyond my fears I had to begin noticing how dominant that thinking had become. The voice that said: you’re not doing it good enough, fast enough, and it was always undermined my confidence and success and stopped me from seeing myself rightly. ( how could it not, if that’s the voice I believed). How about you? Are you listening to that voice too?
What I see in my clients is how often they too, don’t see themselves rightly and they don’t feel good about who they are or what they’ve done. Even if they’ve an MBA, are raising kids, have a full time successful career, they don’t feel they’ve done enough.
Their inner critic tells them they aren’t quite okay exactly the way they are and they need to strive to be better, work more, do it faster, to keep up, to get the results that will make them feel okay,
So what do you do instead?
You start by noticing 1) what’s the voice saying? 2) how does it make you feel, (when you’re really honest), even if you don’t know, is there a pain, in your gut, your back, your head…3) Start by seeing if you can extend compassion to yourself for all the times you’ve strived, you’ve done well, only to not be acknowledged (by you), or criticized for “not doing it good enough”.
The time is now to acknowledge how far you’ve come, how well you’re doing and ask for help if you can’t stop from listening to “the voice”.